


At Peace

by dxggorylives



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Apologies, F/M, Reconciliation, but... not quite?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-18 04:15:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17573699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dxggorylives/pseuds/dxggorylives
Summary: Jonas needs to apologise for the way he acted the night before, and may have gotten more than he bargained for when Hanna puts everything into perspective for him. Whether he necessarily wanted to hear it or not.





	At Peace

[ SAMSTAG ; 12:16 ]

In the stark light of day, clear (but sore) headed, Jonas knew he’d fucked up. Actually, no, he knew that last night pretty much instantaneously after he did it.  
Waking up, thankfully in his bed (God bless Matteo for seeing to that), feeling like he’d been ran over by a semi-truck and regretting what he did the night before was becoming a regular occurrence for him lately, and he certainly didn’t feel any better for it.

After he woke up, he just sort of lay there and contemplated the aborted move he’d tried to make on Hanna, cringing through every second of the memory. The whole night was submerged in a drunken fog, but that particular memory cut through it and he recalled it clear as day.

Jonas couldn’t believe he’d done that.

He was wasted.

He was upset.

He missed her so fucking much.

He... was an asshole for putting her in that position.

Despite their rocky break-up, the last thing he’d ever want in the world was to hurt her, or make her feel uncomfortable.

Jonas closed his eyes against the sun streaming in through the gap in the curtains, and groaned as he tried to scrub some of the ache out of his eyes with his fingers.  
In the cold light of day he just felt like a massive arcshloch. And it didn’t sit comfortably with him.

Hoisting himself upright, Jonas grabbed his phone from its charger on the bedside table. He sort of dreaded to unlock it, flopping down again against the pillows.

Whatsapp: [Hanna]: Did you get home okay?

There went that funny feeling in his chest again. The dumb, pathetic one that raised its head any time Hanna so much as acknowledged him these days.

He took a moment to scroll up through their chat log, noting all the times she’d tried to initiate conversation, to reach out to him - but it had been too painful for him to do anything other than leave her on read or blow off her offers to catch up.

[You]: Yeah lol, all thanks to Matteo

She read the reply pretty much instantly. Jonas nervously checked his other messages (firing one off to Matteo in both appreciation and apology), and flicked through a couple of apps, waiting for... literally anything.

He tended to miss her most in the quiet moments. Where she’d be exactly here on the other side of the bed, stretched out beside him, or cuddled in close to or around him. Just existing together. Totally at ease.

When she didn’t say anything in response, Jonas felt inevitability creeping round the corner. He had the insatiable itch to run away from this situation, to avoid it, shut down communication, quash it down and pretend it wasn’t an issue. If there was one flaw Jonas had that he was now completely self-aware about, it was his tendency towards avoidance and wilful ignorance rather than facing issues head on and dealing with them outright. How that allowed things to spiral and blow out of proportion and control.

It led to destruction and pain for all involved.

So, basically, he knew he had to put on his big boy pants and actually deal with this. He couldn’t imagine walking into school and seeing Hanna every day with this dark cloud hanging over them, as much as he’d been sulking and wallowing this past while.

Taking a deep breath, Jonas started to record a voice message.

[ “ Hey. I, uh... I understand if you’d rather not, but do you... want to meet? Like, later today maybe? What I did last night was shitty and I just want to apologise face to face. You deserve that much. If not - that’s cool. Bye “ ]

 

[ SAMSTAG ; 15:31 ]

Every nerve in Jonas’s body buzzed with nervous energy, practically vibrating where he sat in the little booth, right in the corner of the coffee shop as he waited for her.

The coffee shop was dimly lit, cosy (with seating that was actually comfy), not far from school, and served the best homemade coffee cake they’d ever had.

It was strange; the place was as comfortingly familiar as it always had been, but the overall vibe felt… off. He and Hanna used to come and waste so much time in here they were practically on first name basis with some of the baristas, but he didn’t recognise anyone behind the counter that day. Big, ornate maps hung on the aged, wood-panelled walls in decoration, and had prompted countless conversations between the two of them about all the places they wanted to see when they left school.

Hanna talked wistfully of having wanted to go on a girls’ holiday with Leonie and the rest to somewhere warm; like Italy, or maybe Greece, before all the drama and had shit not hit the fan as badly as it did. 

(Looking back, Jonas feels guilty about not taking the sadness in her voice as seriously as he should have. More examples of his God-given talent for wilful ignorance. Maybe it was easier to pretend and convince himself that she was okay).

Jonas talked, somewhat jokingly (but also sort of not) about wanting to go with Matteo and the boys to Amsterdam.

But the best conversations were the ones about the trips they’d promise to take together. Most ideas were far-fetched, dumb and probably not feasible (at least finance-wise) anyway, but it was fun and dreamy enough just to talk about and imagine going on adventures to all those cool places with her.

“Once I’m selling out arenas all over Europe, I’ll take you anywhere you want to go”

This is Jonas’s first visit back to this place the break-up.

His leg jiggled incessantly up and down and he worried at his lip with his teeth.

Eventually, the door opened and he saw a familiar head of red hair. And his heart promptly dropped into his stomach.

“Hi…” she greeted carefully, approaching a little cautiously before sliding into the seat across from him. She looked tired.

A ghost of a smile twitched at her lips as she nodded down towards the table, upon which sat what was recognisable to her as her usual drink of choice, and between her cup and his, a plate with a slice of coffee cake on it. One fork.

“You didn’t have to”

He shrugged.

“It’s nothing. Call it penance, or a peace offering or something”

Hanna nodded and took a sip from her cup, then picked up the fork.

“I’m not sharing this with you, by the way” she said, her voice edged with a slight hint of playfulness.

“It’s all yours” he replied, throwing his hands up in mock-surrender.

“Knowing you, you probably already had a piece before I got here”

“More like, ‘couldn’t stomach it’”

The comment appears to yank Hanna’s mind back to the matter at hand; why they’re actually here. And it wasn’t for coffee, cake, and mutual reminiscing. Her face fell back into a serious expression.

An extended beat of awkward silence settles over the table. Neither look directly at each other, and neither speak. As if they’re both waiting for the other to go first.

Jonas was the first to crack.

“Look – I’m really sorry about what happened last night. The position I put you in; it was unfair. I was w-”

“Wasted. Yeah, I could tell”

Jonas felt guilt settle in his stomach, her accusing tone cutting somewhere deep inside him. He started fidgeting with his hands under the table.

“I don’t mean it as an excuse, just… explanation”

“You were always a sad drunk” she commented.

He laughed humourlessly.

“That’s why I smoke weed so much more than I drink. Well – apart from recently, obviously”

It was true. Even in back when things were normal, he had a notoriously small barrier between ‘fun and tipsy’ and ‘drunk and maudlin’. He didn’t always like who he was when he drank, but somehow between now and then that fact had become easier to disregard.

He looked across at her sincerely, body suddenly still and at peace, and she slowly met his gaze.

“Honestly, I’m really sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I’d never intentionally do that to you, I was just… too drunk. And upset”

Hanna nodded in acceptance, but her face remained serious.

“It’s okay, I forgive you. Forget about it. But for real, man – what’s been up with you these past few weeks?”

“You know what’s been up with me”

“I don’t really, seeing as every time I try and talk to you, you shut me out!”

“You can’t have it both ways, Hanna! You broke up with me, which I understand, but it hurt. It still hurts, clearly. And it hurts even more you trying to be my friend right now because it feels too close to what we had before, and it’s playing with my feelings” he explained, visibly frustrated.

She looked as if the words had reached out and slapped her. Fuck, he hated disappointing her but what more could he do now than just tell the truth.

“It was easier before school started again. Before we had to see each other every day, and Matteo started talking to your girls, and Carlos got involved with Kiki. I thought I had it together but all the proximity just made me realise how not over you I actually was” Jonas continued, speaking more honestly than he had in a long time, even to himself. It was these sorts of thoughts he’d been running from – clouding in smoke, drowning in alcohol, and blocking out with the deafening club music.

Thoughts he didn’t entertain because they made him feel pathetic whilst Hanna was out there being amazing and having the time of her life. That made him wonder why he couldn’t be like that too.

Hanna’s expression turned sympathetic. Almost painfully soft

“I get where you’re coming from. And I’m sorry for trying to force something you weren’t ready for. It’s selfish, but I just… really missed you. No matter ‘where’ we are, I’d never want you to not be in my life, so maybe I hung on a bit too tight when I should’ve let you have space”

She took a breath, with which came a steely edge to her voice. Jonas tensed, knowing what it looked like when Hanna had something she needed to say.

“But that being said, in the nicest possible way, you need to pull your head out of your ass with all this dumb self-destructive shit you’re doing. Seriously. All the drinking, getting high in school and before exams, wallowing. If it’s all for dealing with pain, then you’re just going to end up hurting yourself and feeling worse than when you started”  
Jonas feels like he should feel patronised or annoyed at what she was saying, but honestly - he was so tired and sick of everything that he knew it was what he needed to hear. 

The incident with Hanna last night had been the straw that broke the camel’s back.

“And if it hurts just to see you like this, I can’t imagine what it feels like inside your head. But you owe it to yourself more than anyone to sort things out”. 

It was uncomfortable to hear, but it was necessary. He’d been looking practically everywhere but her eyes before as it took it in, but suddenly looked up and met her gaze.

“Be the best version of yourself you can manage, and the best possible things will come to you” she finished, causing Jonas to have a sudden break of hilarity in what should’ve been an otherwise serious moment.

“Did you come up with that last line all by yourself?” he joked, smiling despite himself.

“Okay – it might’ve been something Amira said once, but it was a good point!”. Her smile mirrored his.

The jokes and laughter felt easier between them, like familiar ground. It was a dynamic they both felt comfortable in together, and still came easy to them. It made Jonas happy to see that was still there at all, though he had his suspicions after the secretly shared smiles between them at the Christmas party.

“I’m excited to see you be ‘you’ again – you deserve to be happy” she said, still smiling at him. It made his chest ache a little, but now somehow it felt like a more bearable pain.

“You too. I didn’t realise how much I missed seeing you genuinely happy until after everything was over”

Hanna smiled solemnly and nodded, taking the final sip of her coffee that ended up emptying the cup. She unlocked her phone screen in following silence to check the time, then looked out to the grey, dimming skies of Berlin on a winter afternoon. 

“I should probably think about heading home. Dad’s home this weekend and I promised him I’d help him make dinner; ‘bonding time’ apparently”

Jonas chuckled lightly as he started gathering his stuff together.

“Which we all know to be Hanna-code for ‘watch him peel potatoes while I sit on insta’” he teased.

She quickly flipped him off before getting out in front of him and leading them outside.

He hung around for a second more as she unlocked her bike from the rack, more comfortable in a moment alone with Hanna than he had been in a long time.

Once the bike was free, she turned to him.

“Remember to be nice to Matteo, by the way. He sulks around like a lost puppy whenever you guys aren’t speaking”

Jonas rolled his eyes.

“Oh c’mon, that was one day!”

“And all that sorrow on his little face for that one day was almost too much to bear. You need each other”

Assuming she was alluding to the tense situation with Matteo’s homelife, Jonas instantaneously decided that he’d call him when he got back. Thank him properly and check in.

They hesitated for a second after that, prompting a silence Jonas didn’t know quite what to do with. Hug her? Wave? 

“Thanks for meeting with me. It helped a lot – and I’m sorry, again” he settled on, with a curt nod.

“No worries. I’m glad we did it too. See you around”

Then she cycled away, and he stood there watching her leave, icy wind whipping her hair about her face as she rode.

Jonas leaned up against the lamp-post he was standing beside and pulled out his little pouch of rolling tobacco and papers, making a cigarette for himself and lighting it. The first inhale immediately calmed him.

Of course, not everything had magically been fixed and made right. He still loved her more than he’d ever imagined loving anyone, he still missed her so much it ached – their laughs, their intimacy, her overall presence in the world and inclusion in his orbit. It still hurt to feel a distance between them.

But he felt so much… lighter. Like he’d unloaded some arduous burden on his soul by sitting down and having an honest conversation with her about everything, coming clean about what he felt. And hearing how she saw things too. It felt like a step forward to something better.

He loved her, and maybe he always would. Maybe he’d never stop at least a tiny bit of himself from wanting her back – but for the first time in a long time it felt possible to accept the reality of the break up. Perhaps even move on.

At the very least stop sulking around and torpedoing his own life in self-pity and melodramatic heartache. Feel better about himself.

Inhale.

Exhale.

He set off home, her smile lingering in his mind.

**Author's Note:**

> if you want to get in touch to directly leave a comment or maybe send me prompts for these two bbys, you can find me on tumblr @ evabrxghis ♥ 
> 
> thanks!!


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